i want this emptiness to go away...
it's this hole inside my chest that i just can't seem to fill...
i can forget about it temporarily,
y'kno, maybe stuff it with food
eat til i'm chuck full and tired
so that i can fall asleep and just shut out the whole world
but i stand in front of a mirror later and leer at my fat, my stretch marks and dimples in disgust
and the hole...packed with emptiness...comes back

so i decide to go out and shake my ass
somewhere that the music is too loud
somewhere that the bass is too heavy
somewhere that i cannot hear my thoughts
somewhere there's too many people for me to feel alone
somewhere where the music moves my hips as i rock & dip & ride
somewhere where i can find my niches and let the feeling, let the rhythm take me high
take me away for the night
as i hypnotize a stranger, watch the wonder in his eyes as i turn & walk away...

but that only lasts for so long and i find myself at the end of the night
back in my bed
all alone
with me
& my thoughts
& this empty feeling
that i'll never get used to

or maybe i'll end up in a bed that doesn't belong to me
not looking for idle chatter or games
nor cuddling
nor making out
nor making love
looking for someone that can fuck this pain away
but it makes me feel
it makes me feel
it makes me feel
it makes me feel
for a couple of heartbeats
a couple of minutes
maybe a couple of hours or a day or two
but it remedies this empty for short periods of time
& then i'm back to it, living with it, trying to avoid
this crevice, this hole, this emptiness
that seems to be filled with ice
& it's chilling my soul
it's freezing me
it's making me so cold
that i'm numb
& i can't feel
so i'm empty
& i can't get rid of it
& on top of all that my coping mechanisms suck...

so i'll just grin and bear it
because i'm a big girl
& i'll be fine...


eventually.