"i can't feel the ground
someone help me down
said i never felt so high as i do now
it's too good to be true..."
i remember feeling like that...
in love...
the soaring, euphoria filled highs
full of contentment
and happiness just to be in his presence...
i remember it...& i miss it...

but then the memories of the lows
full of darkness
worthy of the hadalpelagic zone
the darkness of the trenches of the sea
they pull me down
make we want to forget those beautiful memories
of something feeling so perfect
the type of hurt that makes you wish for amnesia
before the wounds reopen
and the debilitating pain takes a hold of you
before it brings you crashing down
and transports you back in time, leaving you in a crumpled up heap on your bed
with red eyes, a pile of tissues
and a paper and pen
warring with the smarter part of you to leave all forms of communication alone
because you can NOT contact him
and begin this vicious cycle again
you can't...because it'll ruin you.

it'll ruin you...
and it'll throw you back to square one
while you revisit what went wrong
analyzing yourself
& you're self-inflicted, self-heightened flaws
instead of realizing that there was & is nothing wrong with you...

it'll ruin you...
& increase the intensity of torture that you bare daily
it'll bring the pain back to the foreground
increase it from a slight, dull ache
to a full-fledged onslaught of torment
that brings you crashing everyday...

don't do it.
i can't do it.
i won't do it.
but i can't quite move on.
it's holding me back & i can't...
i just can't.
& i'm breaking hearts in the process...

because i've become toxic
i've taken on bitterness
i've been transformed
& i am transforming...those who can't help but feel for me
i'm feeding them bitterness
unintentionally...
but they take some from me
as they walk into, and out of my life...
i've left one bitter and broken heart
cold and far departed
from what happiness to him used to be
i broke him
so
charge me with
perpetuating this feedback loop
of the destroyed and damned
of the unable to move on
of the unable to let go
charge me with
holding on a little too long
to my pain and inability to knock down this wall
that i have reinforced with the most impenetrable source
of me...


no glue can fix this mess...