how did we get here?
we're stuffing a triangular block into a square opening
and wondering why it doesn't fit
we refuse to let go
so we're forcing it
and i'm trying my hardest to breathe how i used to
trying to blink how i used to
trying to wrap myself up in how we used to be
but this is not used to
this is future
and, Babe, i'm failing miserably
we've lost our familiarity
and right now it seems as if we just won't work
how will we get out of this without our feelings hurt
because you in my life is a must
but something has changed between us
i've realized, but you fail to acknowledge
so oblivious, while i try my hardest to run with this charade
but i am no marathoner
and this baton of a facade is so close to slipping through my fingertips that
i
can
almost
taste
it.

where, when, how, why?
did we go horribly wrong?
and now i'm listening to every sad song in my repertoire trying to find one that expresses me, you, us, we
so now i'm "bleeding my heart out on this paper"
like Hot Chelle Rae
because paper and pencil always did better for me than words and sound ever did
and i'm singing along with Melanie Fiona
wondering if the price is right on our love
or if it's as priceless as it should be
and Bascom X is telling me that i shouldn't be a fool for love
but on the same riddim Fiona's crooning "baby..."
while still Gyptian's feeling my pain
and thought after thought runs through my brain like a playlist on repeat on my iPod, blasting in my ears
that i'm trying my hardest to ignore
as it confirms my fears of what tomorrow holds for us
and, Babe, it's gonna take some time for me to miss you once you're gone
because i've been unhappy for so long
and you've been breaking my heart ever since day one
when you approached me and commented so emphatically on my "natural beauty"
Babe, you took my heart, completely:
stole it "like a thief in the night
dulled my senses
and blurred my sight"

and here we are one year
and the inevitable changes that every relationship goes through
we've been through
we've sailed the oceans of love
survived wave after wave
storm after storm
we finally reached calm
and the tides of time?
they led us here
washed up on a beach
barren
full of altered emotions
and we're stranded
sustained by the fruits of our discontent
and the unyielding rivers of tears that we've both cried
air currents are carried on our sighs

can we save ourselves
or are we in need of rescue
this is my SOS for my first love
or is it my cue
because we are tanning in the sun-like glare of our discomfort
our lies of us doing okay provide temporary palm trees and unpermanent shade
as we try our hardest to leave this deserted island
but we can only leave once we perceive
the truth
that we may be beyond repair
that we may be irreparably damaged
how did we get here?


This feeling indescribable
This pain inexplicable
It isn't obvious
Far from prominent
It just resurfaces occasionally when I find myself in some other man's arms
When I find myself in arms that aren't yours
And wonder what it would've been like
Had we had that kind of relationship
But, today, I write no more love poems for you
And in all reality I never wrote of a beautiful love
I only recorded the immense amount of tears I've cried.
But, today, I shed no more tears because of you
I refuse to allow you that power over me anymore
Power you shouldn't have be in possession of in the first place.

I've come to the realization
That in love with you I am no longer
Love shouldn't be what I dealt with
It shouldn't smother me
It shouldn't make me feel inadequate
And it should be reciprocated
Today, I am breaking out of love's prison
I've been freed of this love's suffocating hold
And Tiff said, "What is love if it is not loving?"
No longer am I in love with you
But forever will I love you
Regardless of the circumstances.
But no more shall I record this pain
No more shall I drown myself in mine own cries for help
No more
No more
Give me back the happiness I've lost
Give it back
Because even in my misery
The only company I yearned for was yours
And when we let go of this
I ask myself what did we fight so hard for if I wasn't good enough?
I ask myself why we're still fighting
What keeps me fighting for you
Fighting to keep you in my life
When it seems as if you're pushing me away as hard as you can.
And it hurts but the tears won't come
That part of my life is over
You've made it to my future
There's a reason you're here
There's a reason that I've been through what I've been through with you
And I'm moving forward
No regrets
No looking back
No wishing that things were different
Because wishes alter nothing
You will not make me bitter
You will not make me believe that the damage I've sustained is irreparable
You will not lead me to believe that because you were my first, you will be my last
I will love again
And I will hold you to your word:
"If I'll be remembered for leaving ur side it will be as a result of my untimely demise. I'm not gonna be some reawakened memory vaguely forgotten whilst being slightly remembered."
Remember that?
Remember this:
Forever will I love you
Forever will I be your friend
But to be in love with you?
Never again.


No words
I have no words to explain how I feel
Laying with you
I look into your eyes and I can't help but think about her
The one you told me would never come...
But here she is
And you never told me that I'd be your one and only
You just promised that the only time you'd leave my side is in the event of your untimely demise
But I just can't help being hurt
I just can't help thinking that I will never be enough
And it's true...I'll never be enough for him
And while she dances around in your mind
She haunts mine
The ghost of the girl I'll never be.


Hate destroys.
Tonight
Today
This week
This month
I am in it's damaging path.
I hate you.
I love you.
I am in love with you.
Something you don't realize.
And I am trying my hardest to understand this flurry of confusion in my mind
That leads me to believe that I can love you and hate you at the same time
In the same breath
Moment
Point in time
There is no thin line between love and hate
They are not opposites
Or maybe it is and I have a foot on both sides
Indifference.
I wish for it because that is the opposite of both those words
I won't care
And with love and hate you care in grand amounts.
But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride right?
But wishing isn't working
And those falling stars have failed me
No more starlight, star bright
11:11 never helped me
And, today, in this instant, dreams never come true.
I am losing the battle
Of fighting this addiction of you
I am searching for that high that I will never achieve again
My heart is breaking
My heart is shattering
Crumbling
I am wilting
In your hands
But I can't comprehend why I am so surprised
I knew you'd hurt me from day one
So why do I have tear streaks on my face
And little dots of salt water on my sheet?
This is my conundrum
But not really...
Because figuring this out isn't easy
It's the doing that's hard.
Nobody said it was gonna be easy
But nobody said it was gonna be this hard.
And I bleed my heart out
I pour my emotion into these words night after night to no release...

And I tell myself that I don't give a fuck
But it's the most blatant lie I've ever told myself in my life
Who do I trust?
No one, not even myself
Because even I lie to me...


siiighh...i have the most unbelievable writer's block ever.
i can't get anything out on paper that's worthwhile.
just bits and pieces of records of pain and crying and hurt...blah blah blah
& i was going to start one saying something along the lines of
"i write no more love poems for you"
but i never really did...i wrote about how bad things have gotten and have been...
i have one that's completed but it needs work...
i have one liners like: "i deal in reciprocity. no more. no less. i give back what i'm fed."
and "i'm the meteoroligist. & you? you're Bermuda weather..."
and this one that i really like, but don't really know how to continue:
"a shot of doubt
with a chaser or regret
how much worse
can this month possibly get

as accusations fly like bullets
because i am not trusted
his insecurities evidence
of his own misdemeanours

and i am left to deal with
his own shot of doubt
how can i make him realize
that i'm not like them.

the burn of his distrust
elbows past the soothe that
this
chaser should bring..."


bits & pieces
just bits & pieces
and it's kind of annoying because
i need release
and i can't quite seem to be able to do so...
sigh!
bye!

kes <3