same scenario.
different bullshit.
different day.

...

your hurt should never overrule your happiness.



wish that sense overruled emotion at all times, but in order for that to happen, so much of life would be missed...it's a lose-lose situation.

tired of crying. but refusing to let go.

same scenario.
different bullshit.
different day.

how do you decide when enough is enough?
how do you know when it's time to let go?
how do you DO THIS?!
how did i get myself INTO this?
how do i know when i love you too much?
"i gotta be out my mind..."
"&nd it kills me; to know how much i really love you..."
i said i was "ready for love" but am i really?
gotta be careful what you ask for...

&nd now, i'm having hell concentrating on what i need to do...
how do i cope?
how do i do this?
&nd you say don't look at you as if i'm wondering how i got there...i can't help it because it's a question that i ask myself REPEATEDLY...
why do i keep hanging on?
WHY DO I KEEP HANGING ON?!
ugghh...it's crazy-making...

&nd even though i'm pushing it to the back of my mind, it's fucking with me subconsciously...
i can't get away. i can't avoid the torture. the pain. it's like it's completely inevitable, no matter which route i take...

how do you get to treat someone you can't imagine living without so BADLY, when she treats you nothing but GOOD?!
what have i done to deserve this? what have i done to be punished so mercilessly?
what wrong have i committed for this type of karma?
what have i done?
what do i do?
is it that you'd like for me to cry you rivers? if you haven't realized...i've surpassed rivers - "i've wept oceans," like i've stated before.
&nd trust me i know...nonchalance isn't so easily achieved when all you can do is fuckin cry after your facade fades...

i hurt...immensely...immeasurably.
i'm miserable. &nd i hope nobody joins me here, in my misery, except for him. the only company i wish is his. i wish he could immerse himself in my misery, so he could know what he puts me through. i wish he knew and understood what i go through...i wish he knew the tears i've cried, that i cry now at this moment, holding back sobs that will so willingly take over my being if only i'd let them, but i refuse because my hurt has so much of me already that i'm fighting it with all i can.

i don't wanna turn into a bitter cold-hearted unforgiving bitch to get through this. because if i do i'll leave him and i'll never love like this again unless somebody can coax the love out of me because once it's been shut off, i would love for it to stay that way because i can't take this no more. i don't think i could deal with this again.

or maybe i'll find someone who'll treat me shitloads better, but i doubt that i'll love him as much as i love Him...

i don't want the thought of his face to encourage tears to race down my face as it does now...i don't want this. i don't want to wonder when the next time he'll contact me is and i don't want to worry that he won't contact me ever again and i don't want to think that the only reason that he's contacting me is because he needs something of me.

i don't wanna do this.
i wanna prove them wrong. but how can i when we always end up here, or, rather how can i when i always end up here in a worthless heap of fucked up emotions that i can't quite escape. i can't pull me together & i don't wanna call nobody else. i don't wanna burden...or moreso i don't wanna hear them say that he doesn't deserve me...that i don't deserve this. because i know...i don't wanna be told what i know...

sleep calls. it beckons. it wills me to close my redrimmed eyes, but my mind won't let me. afraid of the torture my subconscious will provide this time...

so tell me...what hurts more - thinking you should hate him or knowing you don't?