when you break a heart
you don't break it partially
there's no halfway in this...
it's completely broken
shattered
destroyed
obliterated.

you don't want love.
not this kind...
stay far away from it.


i yearn for freedom
release
emancipation
from me
the bars
the walls i've placed around myself
i am a prisoner to self doubt
a slave to my insecurities

and i am unsure of this concept
of not knowing that the future holds
not knowing what i'll live to regret
not knowing if i'll breathe another day
not knowing if i'll be okay

what if i'm
not enough?
pretty enough
good enough
smart enough
just not enough

can i just get a glimpse of the me i'll grow to be
can someone, anyone
out there somewhere, anywhere
hear me
feel me?
can you relate to me and my inferiority comple
my fears of myself
fear that i'll never measure up
to the expectations
the world seems to expect me to meet?

or am i alone
wrapped in an impenetrable solitude
of my "unsurity"
so many of who call it nonsensicality
because they believe in me
have so much faith in me
why?
why do you trust me with your hopes
when i have so little faith in myself?
i don't want to let you down
i'm suffocating as my fears become an ocean and slowly drown me
eliminating my ability to draw the vital oxygen that our body needs.
we depend on it
have faith that it'll be there
with every new breath
that we take
but what happens if it fails us?
we die...
and that's how it feels sometimes
people want, need, think so much of me...
it's a burden
it's like i'm doing what
i have to
in order to please
everyone but myself.
and when i start living for me
it's rebellion

still a slave to my insecurities
still a prisoner of self doubt
but add that i'm chained to my dreams of who i'd like to be...


what happens when "i'll never forget"
becomes forgotten
and the calls become less frequent
the "i love yous" almost nonexistent
and when they do come, hold no meaning
what happens when you tire of waiting
for something that you know will never come?

seemingly, so close and yet so far
this distance is unsurpassable
this crevice irreparable
this disease incurable
this can't be fixed
what can hurt more than watching someone you love
yearn
want
love
someone else?

what can hurt more
than watching their agitation when they are rejected
what can hurt more
than knowing you will never cause them that type of pain
that you'll never hurt them like you hurt now.

and even worse...
what can hurt more
than feeling like you mean nothing to them?
what can hurt more
than knowing that they'll never love you like you do them.
it hurts

and i can't tell you what hurts more
because i don't know
i haven't felt worse than this
i don't wanna feel like this
i don't wanna be this attached to him
but i am...

i am...

and it was never really supposed to be this hard
i wish it would have never went this deep
because this is no flesh wound
this is no flesh wound
this
is
no
flesh
wound
i feel as if he has taken a knife
and thrust it into my chest as far as it can go
twisted it
and pushed some more
and then left me on the ground to just bleed out...
and i am bleeding out
my heart bleeds it's tears down my face
painfully.

love ain't supposed to be this way...
it shouldn't hurt this bad
nobody said it'd be easy
but nobody said it'd be this hard
excruciating
debilitating
painful.

it was never supposed to be this hard.

&nd i don't wanna talk about it
i'd much rather just wallow
just let me stay here
and wade around in my stupidity

i don't wanna talk about it
i don't wanna think about it
i don't wanna cry about it
i just wanna sleep
but if i sleep
i know i'll dream about it
i can't get away from it
&nd it's torturous
i've never felt this bad before.

&nd i wish i could blame it on anything else but this.
i hate this.
i hate this.
i hate it.
so bad.
it was never supposed to be this hard.
how do you deal?

i'll be okay in the morning
after a night of mourning...
hopefully.


i am
wrong
embodied
in its entirety
me, Kiandra Kesi Sabree
i am wrong
embodied:
i am the left
when it's right;
the down
when it's up;
the cold
when it's hot.

i am the embodiment of wrong
everything i touch goes to pieces
i am destruction
an emotional wreck
i wreak havoc
wherever i go
whatever i am
for i am wrong
it's embodiment in its entirety

proceed with caution
enter at own risk
i aim to do no harm
but harm is all
that my success bleeds
please stay far from me
because i am wrong
it's embodiment
stay far from me


same scenario.
different bullshit.
different day.

...

your hurt should never overrule your happiness.



wish that sense overruled emotion at all times, but in order for that to happen, so much of life would be missed...it's a lose-lose situation.

tired of crying. but refusing to let go.

same scenario.
different bullshit.
different day.

how do you decide when enough is enough?
how do you know when it's time to let go?
how do you DO THIS?!
how did i get myself INTO this?
how do i know when i love you too much?
"i gotta be out my mind..."
"&nd it kills me; to know how much i really love you..."
i said i was "ready for love" but am i really?
gotta be careful what you ask for...

&nd now, i'm having hell concentrating on what i need to do...
how do i cope?
how do i do this?
&nd you say don't look at you as if i'm wondering how i got there...i can't help it because it's a question that i ask myself REPEATEDLY...
why do i keep hanging on?
WHY DO I KEEP HANGING ON?!
ugghh...it's crazy-making...

&nd even though i'm pushing it to the back of my mind, it's fucking with me subconsciously...
i can't get away. i can't avoid the torture. the pain. it's like it's completely inevitable, no matter which route i take...

how do you get to treat someone you can't imagine living without so BADLY, when she treats you nothing but GOOD?!
what have i done to deserve this? what have i done to be punished so mercilessly?
what wrong have i committed for this type of karma?
what have i done?
what do i do?
is it that you'd like for me to cry you rivers? if you haven't realized...i've surpassed rivers - "i've wept oceans," like i've stated before.
&nd trust me i know...nonchalance isn't so easily achieved when all you can do is fuckin cry after your facade fades...

i hurt...immensely...immeasurably.
i'm miserable. &nd i hope nobody joins me here, in my misery, except for him. the only company i wish is his. i wish he could immerse himself in my misery, so he could know what he puts me through. i wish he knew and understood what i go through...i wish he knew the tears i've cried, that i cry now at this moment, holding back sobs that will so willingly take over my being if only i'd let them, but i refuse because my hurt has so much of me already that i'm fighting it with all i can.

i don't wanna turn into a bitter cold-hearted unforgiving bitch to get through this. because if i do i'll leave him and i'll never love like this again unless somebody can coax the love out of me because once it's been shut off, i would love for it to stay that way because i can't take this no more. i don't think i could deal with this again.

or maybe i'll find someone who'll treat me shitloads better, but i doubt that i'll love him as much as i love Him...

i don't want the thought of his face to encourage tears to race down my face as it does now...i don't want this. i don't want to wonder when the next time he'll contact me is and i don't want to worry that he won't contact me ever again and i don't want to think that the only reason that he's contacting me is because he needs something of me.

i don't wanna do this.
i wanna prove them wrong. but how can i when we always end up here, or, rather how can i when i always end up here in a worthless heap of fucked up emotions that i can't quite escape. i can't pull me together & i don't wanna call nobody else. i don't wanna burden...or moreso i don't wanna hear them say that he doesn't deserve me...that i don't deserve this. because i know...i don't wanna be told what i know...

sleep calls. it beckons. it wills me to close my redrimmed eyes, but my mind won't let me. afraid of the torture my subconscious will provide this time...

so tell me...what hurts more - thinking you should hate him or knowing you don't?


I walk into you
And wish I could
Take a snapshot of your scent:
A combination of all things you.
A combination of things
I've fallen in love with.
A combination of things I'd miss
If you were to leave me...

Just a picture of your smell
To trigger all kinds of memories
That simple photographs would never be able to rekindle
Never be able to bring back
Nor preserve.
Not in the way capturing your scent would.

If only I could do such a thing
I'd cherish it
Revel in it
Like I do the memory of it
Which brings to mind the way the light hits your eyes perfectly
And I get so caught up that everything that you say
Just fades...
Into the background.
Your eyes, and the way your face lights up when you smile.
The sound you make when I place my mouth somewhere just right.
And how you cajole and plead with me not to go, knowing that I have to.

If only
I could take a camera
To your scent...


that familiar tickle in the back of your nose
letting you know
that tears are in your immediate future
unless you do something:
wiggle it
look up
blink
blink
blink
inwardly deny the wave of pain on the horizon
like: "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry"
sigh...

now here comes the real test:
look at him in his face
directly in his eyes
making sure yours don't waver
because he knows you
oh, so, well, too well
and, to him, you're so readable
too readable
with your heart so evident on your sleeve
do not look down
smile and say, "nothing's wrong,
i'm okay,
i'm good."
and pray
pray he doesn't force it
because you know for a fact
that you have no desire to talk about it

but of course he will
and he does
press
poke
prod
ply
anything to pry it out of you

and now here's that familiar ache in your throat
pushing closer to the precipice
his gaze piercing you
penetrating your layers
as you attempt to preserve the power your walls provide
but, the pressure is way too high
your plight becomes prevalent
and the pain in your throat becomes plainly indicative
of the perpetual prick in your heart
that he never really realizes
until it's a tad bit too late
until your feeling that familiar feeling again
his perception fails him
blinding him to the weapon in his possession
he doesn't understand that he holds a knife within his mouth
and with every truth he speaks
he thrusts it deeper
and with every slip of the tongue
he unknowingly makes it worse
and from his words, you interpret
"i love you,
but, you're second best.
i'll never leave you,
but, you're holding me back"
and now, you feel like a replacement
an alternative
bringing back the familiar speculation
that you can so easily be left.

you're so insecure
and here comes the familiar unsteadiness in your hands
because he is forcing the matter
and you know he won't let up
won't let it drop
he knows something isn't right
the familiar prick in the corner of your eyes is next
isn't this scene all too familiar?
uncomfortable in your vulnerability
as the tears strip you bare right before his eyes
but not completely
because the problem refuses to pass your lips
as your discomfort and distress whisper
ever so gently down your face
their feather soft touch stroking your features
tenderly caressing your smooth cheeks
the familiar tickle as they run across the bridge of your nose
finally reaching your chin
and they drip, drip

the dams break
words shatter the silence
clattering to the floor
nonsensically
illogically
so caught up in your desolation
the ability to organize your thoughts into sensible phrases
evades you
until you take a deep breath and recover from your graceless, blathering confession
explaining your pain
as he attempts to placate you

and the familiar feeling of
the weight pinning you to the ocean floor
is released
and you float upwards out of depression
into his arms
into relief...
isn't this scene so familiar?