middle school days
can you remember me?
i was fat girl
chunky, flabby, big, grotesque, abnormal
and on top of that i was "smart"
i wasn't really cool with me
170 - 5'7" - 13 - an oddity

entering high school
i was still that girl
massive, intelligent
head burried in a book
but i was accepting me
still not too cool with this body i inhabited
i didn't sugarcoat or try to cover me
i was my own person
getting used to me
160 - 5'8" - 16 - aiming for normality

18 - 5'9" - 140 - contentment
but not quite completely
now i can look in the mirror
for a few seconds
and say "damn, girl, you fine"
i love me, normally,
but don't place me in front of that reflective surface for too long

an abundance of stretch marks run across my stomach
invade my soft, fleshy, flabby thighs
reach up my back.
and there's that roll of flesh around my midsection
that won't really go anywhere...but not like i've actually tried
skin that everyone says is so clear, but i fail to see the clarity
gangly, long legged creature
so ill proportioned
and even though he always tells me that he loves me
the way i are
i'm scared that if he really sees me in the light
he won't love me no more

insecurities arise
i don't look like them,
never will
society's idea of an ideal woman
i am so far removed from that
i am NOT a stick figure, not what i've ever strived to be
nor do i have the fat ass and flat stomach
with straight or wavy hair running down my back
i am not a model nor am i a video vixen

even though i may be a tad bit insecure
don't get me wrong
i love me
these curves
and the way my stretch marks change the texture of my flesh
these long legs
and the fat that he loves so much

it has been a journey
and it'll continue to be
on this path of
learning to love me.


silver duct tape
is still not enough
to fix you.
will crazy glue
be sufficient?
never.
dig deep into the toolbox
pulling out the heavy artillery:

open it
dive in
scavenge
pull out
comfort at night
shielding you from the torture of your dreams
solace, serenity in unyielding arms
anything to mend your damage

you've explored
your tool kit
and found hands
to dry your eyes
a being trying her best
to keep them that way.
and if she can't,
share them
burden her
she's your toolbox...

she's me


holding on to you
while we sleep
gripping the sheets
anything to comfort me
as i delude myself
into you not leaving
you staying here
us having everything to be as i've dreamed
as i dream
breathe
don't wanna grieve
at an airport
don't wanna cliched picture
of me watching you walk away
your back blurred by my tears
as i succumb to my fears
and worry that you'll never come back to me
never return
like you promised

can't feed into the much repeated scenario
and urge you not to leave me
please, babe, please
i'm beggin you
don't make me plead.

just one more day
one more week
another month?
just one more year?
please, don't leave me
take
me
with
you,
babe,
please. please. please...

i miss you already
and you're nowhere near gone
i can still hold you
how i wanna
when i wanna
so attached to you i've become
how am i gonna do this?
how?
can you wean me?
because i refuse to quit cold turkey.
not that i can
because i know full well that i can't
i can't
i can't
i've grown to need you.


am i wrong to miss you?
it having been less than a week
only 5 days
but i'm so out of touch
i miss you so, so much.
your presence
your touch
your smile
the calming effect you have upon me
i miss you so much
and it's only been 5 days.
what happens when you go away?
so used to see you for at least an hour
everday...
i miss you so much
and it's only been 5 days.


see i seem to have this
penchant for the damaged
and he seems to be
irreparably so
and i've charged my self with repairing him
because, in this lifetime,
i seem to be a fixer.
always helping
giving advice
lending a shoulder
this penchant for the damaged shines like a beacon
for the broken and ill treated
i attract them as an orphanage
attracts children lacking parents

this penchant for the damaged
can become a curse
because even as the broken hurt me
i can't quite let them go
i can't quite bring myself
to become another name
on their list of heartbreaks
so while i care for them
best i can
they walk all over me...

but everyone's got a breaking point.


rebuilding
shoving bricks back into place
renewing these barriers
that i so foolishly let down
i allowed them to fall
feeling that i needed this fortress no more
so, so silly of me
thanks for reinforcing their necessity
up these walls go.
and say i've changed as much as you like
but it's not that i've changed
it's that you never knew me all that well before.
and everyone wonders at this newly formed tension
between a pair who was once so seemingly close.

close we are no more
i wipe my hands of you and your needs
you and your desire to interfere with my life, my choices, who you want me to be.
i conform to your expectations no more.
i'm free.


*love is the splinter in my eye
that i can't quite remove
don't really wanna remove
because without its pain, where would i be?
i don't want to be free from this discomfort
this extension of me
that brings tears to my eyes
as i cry, cry, cry
rivers, lakes, oceans
that can't quite separate you from me, me from you
because i will never let that happen
despite what they want me to do
so stupid to them i may seem, imbecilic
but happy has become a major part of this regime
i call my life
with you in it
and this splinter is the rain before my rainbow
the sad that helps me appreciate my happy

they want me to let go
*but i choose love every time
no matter all the bullshit i go through
the ridicule i face
no matter the emptiness i feel
when i've been locked off from the outside world
from you
but chain and cage can never deter me
because eventually i will be released again
my love for you even stronger
much to their dismay
because this love won't falter
won't give up
won't give in

*& i love when love
pulls me through these tears with a smile on my face
with an unshakable strength that keeps me holding on to you
being with you
caught up in you
even thought they call me stupid, naive, dumb
a 28 year old and an 18 year old
why can't she see
that she's one thing to him, nothing more?
but i know that i am one that he adores.

*so if love is a splinter,
i don't want it gone
let it impair my sight
because there is no way i'm letting go
i don't need these eyes
to see you
because i didn't fall in love with you by sight.
love isn't and will never be a splinter in my heart.