sitting here
smelling you
smelling of you
at peace
i've found my peace of mind
for i have found peace
in your arms
and despite what they say
you probably own the greatest piece of me
my heart...

my heart.
you hold it in your hands
don't treat it hard
because as hardy as it may be
as much as it's lasted through
without crumbling
without shattering
without making me let go
without making me stop dealing with you
babe, trust me it still can break
repeat to me one more time how insignificant i am in your life...
please believe
that my breaking point
my breaking point, it is coming.
i don't know how many more
"you're not my girlfriend"s i can take
or how many more switchups i can handle
from not being someone's girlfriend
to, oh, so quickly beng expected to act as if i'm that chick in your life
acting like a future wife.

i'm too emotional
so what the FUCK are you, might i ask?
where do you fall on this spectrum
and who is the one to judge
your emotions and mine.
and the level of this relationship
which actually isn't
or is it?
because i don't understand
i really can't tell
no word of lie
i never got that rulebook
those guidelines
how much am I supposed to extend myself
reach for you
when you continue
to stand up straight
i give to you and all you do is take
and while you take
you bitch
you fuckin moan
you complain
ever felt unappreciated?
i KNOW you have
so WHY do this to me?
and i'm stuck in this place
asking myself where do i GO from here?
where?
and i refuse to think about a future
because, despite the fact that
i fuckin love you
i don't know where "our" future may lead.
what happens when i tire of being "just" a friend
when i'm tired of this screwed-up-friendship/relationship?
this unofficial bullshit
the griping and moaning
about how shitty your life is...
whereas i have no right to my tears
absolutely NO right.
because i'm not dealing with the shit you go through
and i'm only crying because i can't see you
now who's fucking bitchin about it?
so, so funny how the tables turn
how hilarious it is when the scripts switch...
so interesting.
i don't fuckin get it.
can you help me understand?
how you expect me to act like a girlfriend
when you're not my man...


Am I supposed to devote myself to you
When you have offered me no commitment
Yes, I love you
But who is the first one to tell me that we are not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?
Am I to stop living
And put all my friends and activities on hold
Because of you?
How does this work?
Please inform me.
Because I've asked for a rulebook from jump
And I've not received
Rules nor guidelines...
Not a single one except for that single line
Which brings back to mind
How unofficial we are...
How removable I am...
I don't understand how you are to get every single priviledge of a relationship
I just don't get it!

Don't tell me that this is a "friendship"
Because it goes way beyond that
We've never been just friends
Can you help me to see into your brain
Help me to understand why I must give 110%
When you only give 25?
Why I am deserving of your attitude when I barely give you one despite alla the shit you do?
And you ask what's wrong with me
Why am I changing
When I'm just trying to steel myself to deal with alla the shit you will constantly put me through...

Or are we "not like that"?
Remember you're not my man...


I avoid thoughts of the future
Because I don't know how it will affect "us"...
I don't know where we'll stand.
If we'll progress from this stage
Or if we're here,
In this place indefinitely...
This concept of accepting the unknown is frightening, terrifying
Unsatisfying...
Because I don't want to be with no one else.
I don't want you with no one else...
But this is hard.
Obstacles are hurled constantly...
Making this life in love with you
Even more difficult...