i cried today...

but that ain't nothing new
i've cried for a week straight
this is just another day
i have evidence
notebook paper with tearstreaked ink
and all these tears do absolutely nothing for me
except for absolutely drain me
completely
but only physically
these tears are not enough to drag me out of the
abyss that my mind has entered
surrounded by sad and upset
only hindered and halted whilst in the presence of him
with him comfort
ensues to no end
he is my peace of mind
until i have to leave again
face the real world
which doubts my intelligence
and attacks me consistently.

it leaves me with
nails bitten
eyes redrimmed
crying relentlessly
but they can't
they refuse to hear me
above the din
of their voices
over their stifling possession of me
and while i cry
inwardly
they proceed as normal
as if nothing has happened
when obviously i'm not okay
and this you seem to notice
thinking that a simple "i love you"
will suffice
make it all go away
wake you up from a bad dream
and i'm back to being the
same old, predictable Kiandra again
but predictability has been eliminated
and that simple "i love you"
in all reality
makes it all worse...

and the saga continues
with the "bad" boy
and the "good" girl
they refuse to let go...


Some wise man said
War doesn’t determine who’s right
It determines who’s left
And who will be left
Once this killing spree ends
Or will it end?
Will we continue this parade of caskets
Followed by a crowd shroud in black?

Dark mindsets
We are tainted with
Subjected to
Pained by
As they die
As we cry
And try to keep their memory alive
And we try to stop this violence poisoning minds
Why must we fight to keep a memory alive of a life barely lived?
He had so much time ahead of him
Before you decided to take it
Away
And can I ask, who are you to say
Who lives and who dies?
Finger on the trigger of that nine
That glock
That AK
That M-16
Whichever killing machine
Whichever you chose as the weapon of choice.
You fail to acknowledge that you are a weapon
The weapon we’d preferred you use
But ignorance blinds you
As we constantly repeat that
Knowledge is power
Its power breaks that mentality
To which you seem to be chained
You believe that you can’t change
So committed to this life you’ve become
But a simple life lesson will show you that
Violence breeds nothing but more violence
Mixed in with fear
You’ve caused our people to
Live in fear
To live in fear is death
So, you, I fear not because I cherish my life
And I refuse to die
I will continue to live
And hope you’ll stop living your life blind.

Stop living your life blind
And put down that gun.
You were given a mouth
A body
For a reason.
This you did not have to buy
Use it
Revoke the cowardice
And face the one who’s wronged you
Without metal, steel, and gunpowder between the two.


I just keep getting hit from all sides
Kiandra, let go.
Knowingly and unknowingly.
But something, everything inside of me is telling me
Kiandra, hold on.
Love.
And not just that.
The fact that he has no one else
Mistakes he’s made have led him to this
And no one chooses to forgive him
But I have
And I am.

I will continue to
Hold him up
Be his crutch.
Yes, I’m young,
But, don’t forget, I’m in love.
Crazy you may call me.
Stupid even.
But that won’t change or deter
These feelings.

Not even in these times of war
Can I be held back
I’ve got a driving force inside me
Love is its source
And you fail to acknowledge this
And you persist
With the subtle but not really
Comments
And taunts of disbelief.
But I believe
And I’ll continue to
Because I’ve fallen for him
Not you.

I’ve fallen for him not physically
Not mentally
But somewhere from deeper inside of me
It’s the call projected from beyond the psyche
And it pulls me to him
Him to me
And we won’t let go
We won’t
No matter how hard it gets
We’ve planned for years to come...
Years to come.

You see.
I’ve cried myself to sleep.
First time for everything.
And it wasn’t from the pain that he caused
It was from the hurt you’ve constantly inflicted upon me
Because, truthfully, I’m at your mercy.
The mercy you hold for him
And since it’s none
You hold nothing akin to compassion for me
Because my heart is in his hands
And as you verbally, wholeheartedly stomp on him
You stomp me into little pieces.
Tiny pieces that I’m having hell trying to pick up
And I cry.
I cry.
Day in.
Day out.
Random moments in my days are ruined
By your constant attack on us.

You refuse to look beyond the negative
And see what we COULD be.
Give us a chance
We can’t prove you wrong otherwise.
He told me
“Don’t worry, everything will be love,”
And I would delight in my ability to submit to the belief of this statement
But with your efforts I cannot
Because it seems as if I love him, you can’t, don’t, won’t love me
You don’t know what I’ve fallen for
That which you can’t, don’t, won’t see
And all that you can say is he’s not for me.

But who are you to decide
To judge
Which one is the one?
The one that can make me smile
When I don’t want to
The one that occupies my mind’s eye 24/7
And yes, I’ve fallen hard.
This I’ve acknowledged a long time ago
That which you refuse to understand
Comprehend
You cannot pull my heart away from his hand
Because he has it
And he will hold on tight
Because he can’t take another broken heart
And nor can I
Would you prefer to take the light from my eyes?
Can I take this risk?
Can you, please, let me live
The life bestowed upon me?
That, yes, you did give
This I understand
And I know, I comprehend
That you only want the best for me
And I will continue to succeed
Acknowledge that he, also, wants the best for me.
But you can’t see.

You say I’m blinded by love
But you are, also,
You’re blinded by love for your seed
And you smother me
To the point where I can’t breathe
And I fight to take a deep breath of fresh air
That your negativity hasn’t tainted
And I flee...

I flee to his arms.
To him.
I’m in love.
In love with him.
And you ask me over and over again
What do you see in him?
How did a smart, intelligent, bright girl like you fall for him?
A hoodlum
A gangster
An undesirable
A monster.
Please understand that you can’t, don’t, won’t understand.
Please know that it’s all the things that you can’t, don’t, won’t see.
But, me?
I see them perfectly.


Thought the hurricane had passed
I guess we were in the eye of the storm
The cavalry has redoubled its efforts
And has come back for more
Wind from their mouths
Draws rain from my eyes
And I cry...
I cry.

And the attack
They’ve launched
Continues
It will undoubtedly leave me broken
But i will love him
No less.

It will leave me broken-hearted
Because it seems as if they’ll never understand
They’ll never understand
Just as I love them
I love him.

The rain never stops.
I’ve cried myself to sleep.
First time for everything.
Hope yours never comes.

He tells me be cool
Give it time and space
They want the best for you
Don’t worry, everything will be love
But how can I not worry
If we never get a chance to prove them wrong?

Tornados touch down
Headaches
Chest pain
Emotionally imploding
Leading to the explosion
Handle with care
Approach with caution
Because I’m not okay.


shit's gotta stop
must i hear another mother cry
when she gets the news
that her son's died?
must i keep my black
at the ready
prepared for another funeral costume?
must i put another of my black men down,
so soon?
must i bury another one of my family in the ground
too soon?
gone before their time
as i see grief stricken faces
so familiar to me
kin on both sides.

please stop killing us.
you're not just killing them
you're taking bits and pieces of us.
you're a part of us.
remember you're not apart from us.
why do you fail to acknowledge?
why must i constantly shed tears
because of the ignorance of my peers?

niggas.
that's who you want to be?
that's what you are.
ignorance is prevalent
as you start these wars.
forgetting the risks
and the repercussions
with these deviled machines
this island's too small
to give into the reign of those things.

please stop
ripping families apart
these bullets ain't just tearing through bodies
they're tearing through minds and psyches
producing worry in hearts
of the mother whose son has gone out for a night on the town
for the father whose daughter has decided to take a quick walk around.

fear will grip this island in its clutches
as it changes drastically
and today, right now, it seems as if it'll get no better
it'll only get worse
as we're caught up in this curse
of metal, iron, lead, gunpowder, steel
combined to create these weapons of mass destruction
combined to make easy the ability to kill
that these niggas feel
will create peace for them and theirs
they refuse to see the tears
as they improperly remove
the light from his eyes
the joy from his heart
his soul from this earth.

who are you to chose, to decide
who lives and who dies?
please believe me
ignorance blinds
enlgihten you
and stop this nonsensical violence.

shit's gotta stop.

15.12.09

r.i.p. to those we've lost along the way.

“Much violence is based on the illusion that life is a property to be defended and not to be shared.”
-- Henry Nouwen

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”
--Isaac Asimov


tired of dispelling everyone else's anxieties
whilst i wallow in my own
alone
my fear of showing emotion
hurts me more than i've ever known

solitude calls to me
self-pity cloaks me
as i drown in my inability to express my feelings
for i've figured that i equate emotions to weakness
i refuse to embrace vulnerability
and, therefore, i am weak.

inadequacy
my greatest fear
but i refuse to let anyone share in my tears
for fear of burdening them
with the shadows that thrive in my mind
but still they encumber me with their pains and fears,
and i press on
never showing this deficiency in my make up
this flaw in my soul

still, i press on...


they told me
that i would
see no evil
but it lies
upon her face mornings
as she greets me
ducking her head
willing the bruises
and the pain away
willing my eyes
away from her neck
her wrists
her arms
away from her.

they told me
that i would
see no evil
but it lives
in his eyes
full of controlling malice
contempt
destructive possession
in his handprints
on her flesh

they told me
that i would
see no evil.
i witness it.
everyday.

they told me
that i would
hear no evil
but it resonates
through this house
reverberates
through these walls
its found in
her soul-shaking
sanity wrecking
sobs
that you can
hear
shake her body
the regret runs
rivulets down her cheeks
these tears
can't
won't
don't
heal what ails her.

they told me
that i would
hear no evil
but it echoes
in my ears
as open palm
connects with wet face
as closed fist
blasts into a soft stomach
as body
collides with wall
as she begs
moans
pleads
for oxygen
please
please
let her breathe

they told me
that i would
hear no evil.
it won't
go away.

they told me
that i would
speak no evil.
i haven't
nor has she
nor will she
she'd rather
be beat like a man
than
be put on a stand
and take a stand
for herself
would it make
sense for me
to speak evil,
if i am given
no support?

they told me
that i would
speak no evil
but he does
bitch
slut
hoe
dumb
stupid
assanine
incompetent
each word
punctuates another
bruise.
he does
when he comes to me
assuring me
telling me
that i won't tell
anybody
he wants his
secrecy.

they told me
that i would
speak no evil.
but i will.
i will speak
the evil
i've seen
i've heard.

7.10.09