February 2, 2009. 3.50 a.m.

There are times that I think that I actually meant something to him. The simplest things that he did pop into my head randomly and make me realize that I am the one to blame. It was up to me and I chose to ignore, decline, not believe the fact that maybe he might’ve wanted me for more than my body. He was the first boy to hug me and kiss me on my cheek, the first to actually make me giggle, the first to ask me to somewhere that it would be just me and him. He liked me, vied for my attention, but I chose to ignore it because I was caught up in the scope that they are all the same.
And now I’m left feeling unsure because I do still believe that he might still care for me. It’s just the little things he does that I consider and reconsider and interpret that make me think this. I could be overreacting and thinking too much, but these things that he does now in addition to what he’s done before makes me believe.
But then doubt infiltrates my senses and I remember the long periods of silence and practiced ignorance on both sides and I feel that I’m absolutely wrong and he doesn’t care the slightest bit for me but I remember standing in the same vicinity and feeling his gaze biting into my back relentlessly, but yet I continued to feign ignorance and indifference for I knew that if I was to turnaround and attempt to meet his gaze, he’d turn away. We are two proud people so similar in more ways that one. Our personalities too much alike, which may be a reason we’ve clashed so much, maybe a reason I should give up, a reason I should let go or an excuse to lose hope in something I want so much.
Maybe this loss of hope isn’t such a bad thing if it stops me from feeling like this, stops me from being up this late at night writing like this, stops me from wanting like this. Because I’m tired of it all: tired of having feelings for somebody that doesn’t return them, tired of the uncertainty , tired of not knowing if he’s going to speak to me, tired of this being so damn iffy, tired of yearning for the validity of reciprocity of these feelings. Tired of wondering if he thinks like this.
Yes, I’m tired and I’ve tried to give up, to surrender, to not care and I’ve failed numerous times. And I want to tell you that hope doesn’t live within me anymore, but it does.
It does...