i just wanted to tell cyberspace how sad i'm feeling right now
but i don't want to talk to anyone about it.
social networking sites won't do because people ask questions
& i have to share my tears, when i just want to wallow alone.
nights like this, i need sex.
i don't want to think no more.
but i'm not ready to sleep yet.
because i want to talk to this fool that i "like".
about the girl he likes.
about how his feelings are hurt.
i don't know how i always end up here.
back to Shomari.
he will always be the root of my problems.
if i can't get over this.
it's been too long.
i'm tired of crying because i'm scarred by how he's treated me.
truthfully, i don't think i've made it to scarred yet.
these are old, fresh wounds.
wounds so old that they should be healed, but tonight i feel like i was just stabbed.
the memories won't go away. the pain won't stop.
& the tears just keep coming.
& i just want this all to stop.

11.O3.12


i want this emptiness to go away...
it's this hole inside my chest that i just can't seem to fill...
i can forget about it temporarily,
y'kno, maybe stuff it with food
eat til i'm chuck full and tired
so that i can fall asleep and just shut out the whole world
but i stand in front of a mirror later and leer at my fat, my stretch marks and dimples in disgust
and the hole...packed with emptiness...comes back

so i decide to go out and shake my ass
somewhere that the music is too loud
somewhere that the bass is too heavy
somewhere that i cannot hear my thoughts
somewhere there's too many people for me to feel alone
somewhere where the music moves my hips as i rock & dip & ride
somewhere where i can find my niches and let the feeling, let the rhythm take me high
take me away for the night
as i hypnotize a stranger, watch the wonder in his eyes as i turn & walk away...

but that only lasts for so long and i find myself at the end of the night
back in my bed
all alone
with me
& my thoughts
& this empty feeling
that i'll never get used to

or maybe i'll end up in a bed that doesn't belong to me
not looking for idle chatter or games
nor cuddling
nor making out
nor making love
looking for someone that can fuck this pain away
but it makes me feel
it makes me feel
it makes me feel
it makes me feel
for a couple of heartbeats
a couple of minutes
maybe a couple of hours or a day or two
but it remedies this empty for short periods of time
& then i'm back to it, living with it, trying to avoid
this crevice, this hole, this emptiness
that seems to be filled with ice
& it's chilling my soul
it's freezing me
it's making me so cold
that i'm numb
& i can't feel
so i'm empty
& i can't get rid of it
& on top of all that my coping mechanisms suck...

so i'll just grin and bear it
because i'm a big girl
& i'll be fine...


eventually.


that awkward moment when you realize that you have daddy issues
the fury instilling instant when you realize he's fucking up your little brothers too
and how it reinforces his insincerity of the apology he made 20 years too late
here he is making those same mistakes again...

look, man, i got something to say to you
words don't mean shit and you ain't much of a wordsmith
so no weaving, construction, nor fabrication will make me believe anything you tell
because i saw no actions following up those words
i just saw my brothers become closer to the typical black male raised only by women
and you? i saw you become redundant
i saw my acknowledgment of my problems
i understood that all the damage you caused me is done & that you will not hurt me any longer
i'm grown enough to realize what's going on
so save your bullshit apologies
& stay away from me and my family; the family that you helped create but have done nothing to enhance.
if you want in, you need to stop playing victim and grow up
let go of all the dramatics because from what i hear, you're downright pathetic
accept the mistakes you've made and make moves to fix them
do what you have to do.

it's your choice:
be a mad and raise your sons
or continue living how you've been living and cut us out of your life completely...


i love yous
laced with hate
that leave a bittersweet taste
upon the lips of those
he's romanced and left
as they fall for the fallacy that they wish him to be
a silver tongued devil is he
warnings do him no justice
because the persona he presents does more than enough to deceive
he is nothing a warning from a parent can stave off
& he is not to be avoided
& you aren't aware until that taset lingers on your tongue
as he kisses ou so deeply that you hum
& it's done
because he comes the i love yous laced with hate
regret, remorse, and every emotion that indicates that you wish that you can take back
the day that you met
because you swore that you'd never be here
but before you knew it you've been pricked by heartbreak's deadly sting
& frozen with a cold that surpasses the deepest of all winters
& the faint remnants that linger
cause torture
& it takes all of your willpower not to call him back
but you know it makes no sense to regress
& fall back into those i love yous laced with hate
that leave that bittersweet taste of regret...
& the pain he left you dealing with
drips like venom from your lips...


so...what ya tellin me, right now,
is that i'm catching flack because i'm black?
because my hair curls a bit more than yours?
& because i live at the wrong address?
ya tellin me that despite my college degree,
my eloquence,
& my professional dress,
the fact that i am damn near perfect for this job
& all the criteria the criteria i've met
you've looked past all that
& straight at my skin color.
stereotyping
whe i've risen above every stereotype you can thow my way:
i can read
& i have a high school diploma
NOT a GED: i didn't drop out, i stuck it out and graduate at the top of my class
but still you've looked past
the fact that i've attended institutions of tertiary education
here & abroad
& i've chosen to come back home to find a job
but yet you refuse to give me one
because my hair's locked and you're looking upon me with dread
but still i am unable to wrap my head around this
because, right now, ya tellin me that i can't have this job because of your close-mindedness
& inability to look past what you see on the outside of me
because if you cut my palm, i'll bled erd
& if you sliced me open, you'll see a heart that beats the same as yours
a brain that thinks, but not like yours
because i have the ability to look at you and refrain from judging or stereotyping
but you're making it hard for me not to
because you're telling me that i can't have this job because of my outward appearance
& ya tellin me that another person of my race can't work here
because her hips are too thick?
or because his nose is too wide?

forget a job description
just let us know that if we're not blonde haired & blue eyed
we need not apply.

i can't believe that this is what ya telling me...


i'm tired of older generations talking about "back in my day"
well dear sir, ma'am
this is your day no longer
you've thrown it to us the generation you've raised
and you criticize this today
but you forget that you're the ones that brought us up

& you've been grooming us incorrectly, incompletely from jump
we've become a selfish generation
taught not to fight for us, but to live for me
no village has raised this child
& we are ill prepared to run this island
not with what you've given us
with the non-stop criticism, nice cars, big buildings
when will we get past this materialism
& when will you start caring about my generation
& the future that is us?
help us to make it, alter it, change it
because WE ARE IT
but it seems to be of no dire concern to you...

& now we've got Bermudian skyscrapers being built up
& blocking our light as we enter a dark age both mentally and physically
but when will we realize that we are the light at the end of that tunnel?
& we are the window that opens when that door closes?
....seems like never....

so come on guys!! who's with me?! =-D
let's run this island paradise STRAIGHT to hell
we stopped loving it as we should a long time ago...